One day, something happened. Something terrifying. Something so bone-chillingly horrifying that I'm not legally allowed to describe it in this novel. Instead, I'll describe another similar event. One day...
"Hey there, bro, how're you doing?" asked John.
"My name's not bro, it's Brady! And I'm a woman! We can't be brothers!" said Brady.
Suddenly, a massive flaming ape popped out of the nearby bushes. "OOGA BOOGA," it screamed. It ate John and Brady. Looks like they're out of the story.
***
Brady's brother, Tom, was sitting at his desk one morning, reading Garfield. "Hehehe, Jon, oh you, hehehehehe." As he continued reading though, something seemed off. Every strip in the newspaper, even non-Garfield ones, all ended with a great flaming ape popping out of the bushes, screaming "OOGA BOOGA," and eating the characters. It was very strange. Suddenly, he had a horrible thought. What if... the fake bush prop he had (from the last play he directed the set on) was inhabitated by the Great Flaming Ape too? Suddenly, the ape popped out. "OOGA BOOGA," it yelled, and ate Tom.
***
Tom's mother, Tomella, was making some food when she heard the ruckus going on in the other room. "Tomburt, what happened in there?"
Meanwhile, Tomburt, Tomella's wife, was reading Dilbert. "Heheehehe, Dilbert, you... hehehehe, what? Oh yeah, I heard something. I'll go check." He got up, set down his comic, and went to Tom's room. He found nothing. The ape had eaten him whole. Tomburt decided to check behind the prop bush, and found an ape waiting. "OOGA BOOGA!" Tomburt was promptly eaten. The ape jumped out of the bush and ran at hyperspeed to Tomella and ate her whilst screeching "OOGA BOOGA!!!!!!!" and pounding his chest fiercely. He then jumped out the window, never to be seen again. Until 800 years later... (everything that just happened happened in 1200 AD)
***
One day, Tom's distant relative, Tomhurrah, was reading The Shining. "Pfft, not scary at all. Would be a lot better with some great flaming apes or something." He set it down and went to get some food. Little did he know, he was in for a nasty surprise.
As he opened the cabinet, a tiny UFO burst through the door and expanded to full size, annihilating his house. Suddenly, the Great Flaming Ape popped out the door, with 2 alien bodyguards, and walked up to Tomhurrah.
"OOGA BOOGA!" yelled the ape. "Really, sir, must you keep up that stupid facade? We all know you're much more intelligent than you seem," said one bodyguard. "Fine," replied the ape. He had a heavy British accent and spoke slowly and calmly. "Tomhurrah?"
"Yes, Mr. Great Flaming Ape?"
"I'm afraid I have to eat you. It's my duty. But first, shall I tell you the tragic tale of my people?"
"I really don't ca-"
"Wonderful! Bodyguards, you can go."
"Thank you sir," replied the second bodyguard as they both got into the UFO. The flying saucer sped off quickly.
"Now, for the history lesson..." began the ape.
***
Once, on a distant planet called Mars, a species of flaming apes existed. They were constantly on fire, and looked like our gorillas, but, once again, always on fire. This fire didn't hurt them, however. In fact, it was the only thing allowing them to live on Mars. How? It just did, okay. Suspend your freaking disbelief for once.
One day, though, the gorillas were invaded by a species of spooky aliens called the Reptoidianians who took everything they had. They were without anything. They needed a leader. Someone to band them together and make them strong. Thankfully, they found one. The Great Flaming Ape.
He was a massive flaming ape who was 10,000,000 times more intelligent than humans will be in 8000 years. He made the apes strong, and eventually located a peaceful species of aliens called the Reptoidianianians who became most apes' bodyguards. Eventually, though, overpopulation became a massive problem on Mars. The apes had to find a new planet to live on, and Earth was the only nice-looking place they found.
The Great Flaming Ape scouted out the planet for a while, which is why he was here at 1200 AD, and decided it was perfect for the apes.
***
"So sadly, that's why we have to kill all humans and inhabit this planet," finished the Great Flaming Ape.
"Man, that story sucked," said Tomhurrah.
"OOGA BOOGA" screamed the Great Flaming Ape. The ape ate Tomhurrah.
***
Tomhurrah's uncle, Tomhurrah Sr. II, was playing Undertale. However, he wasn't playing it through Steam. No, he downloaded it off the dark web, on a file called oogabooga.exe. He'd heard good things about Undertale, but when he saw the price tag of $15, he screamed so loud the flaming apes on Mars could hear. So naturally, he got it off the dark web.
He clicked on the file and it opened seemingly normally. However, all the intro text said was "OOGA BOOGA." It was bone-chilling, but Tomhurrah Sr. II pressed on. He started a new game and tried to enter his name, but it automated to OOGA BOOGA. The game played normally until he reached Flowey, when it was revealed he was the Great Flaming Ape.
Here is an exact transcript of the conversation that ensued.
"OOGA BOOGA OOGA BOOGA OOGA BOOGA"
Suddenly, the Great Flaming Ape's massive flaming hand reached out of the computer monitor itself, grabbed Tomhurrah Sr. II, dragged him into the game, and ate him.
***
Brad was a college student. That was his only definable personality trait. But he sure was one. His friends were Scott, Emily, and Red XIII. One day, they all went out on a trip to a SPOOKY forest to do... something, I guess? But when they arrived, they heard a faint "oogabooga" whispered through the trees. It was bone-chilling, but they pressed on.
"Man, we should probably go back," whispered Scott to Red XIII. "LMAOOOOOOO NEERRRDDDD XDDDDDDD," calmly replied Red XIII. "You've got me there," Scott conceded.
"Man, we should check behind this bush," Emily suggested. "I love college," replied Brad. Emily peeked behind the bush and was swiftly eaten whilst the unknown creature screeched "OOOGGGAAAAA BOOOOGGGGAAAA!"
"What just happened?" asked Scott. "College college college I love college," responded Brad. "Makes sense," said Scott.
"Heheheheheheheheghehehehehehhe Emily just got PWNED BRO!!!! LMAOOOOOOO XDXDXDXDXD," said Red XIII.
They pressed on. Suddenly, Scott was no longer there. "Where college the college heck's college Scott college?" Brad asked Red XIII. "PWNED BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," replied Red XIII. But while Red was screeching, Brad was eaten.
"Uh-oh," thought Red XIII. But then he comforted himself by thinking "LOLOLOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL XDDDDDDDD."
Suddenly, he was eaten.
***
Everyone was dead. What else can I do with this story? Maybe this...
One day, God was just chilling. He was then eaten by the Great Flaming Ape with a resounding OOOGA BOOGA.
THE END