Dear anyone who might find this letter,
Do not try to take the world from the horrid squirrels. I have experienced their villainy firsthand when they stole my rare genetically enhanced blood and made themselves immortal. If they find out I wrote this letter, they will torture me endlessly, for though I cannot die, I can suffer as much as any other human. The only way to stop the squirrels is to manipulate them. Though they can now talk, they are not particularly intelligent creatures. Please, whoever finds this letter, take it to heart, and stop the wretched squirrels.
Signed,
Will Gates
That is how the letter read when a member of the Resistance picked it up and read it. It was tattered, but she could make out the words. She knew that she and her fellow members of the Resistance needed to stop the squirrels, so she grabbed the letter and rushed to their base.
The officer of the Resistance sped to their base to deliver her letter she found washed up on the shore. During her flight, various low-level squirrel soldiers attempted to steal it, but she knocked them away with her hand. After her fifteen-minute run, she reached the base.
It was a very large supercomplex with hundreds of connecting buildings, and the largest building, the council house, was in the center of it all.
The officer rushed past various officers doing various menial tasks, such as pushing carts with arsquirrenic and squirranide (the squirrels copyrighted their names) and carrying stacks of anti-squirrel propaganda posters. When she finally reached her destination, the council house, she was exhausted, but she opened the doors anyways and stepped inside.
Another officer walked over to her and said "Welcome, officer. What do you bring to the council house to be endlessly debated over today?"
"Just this letter I found. It's sent by someone named Will Gates."
"Him?! What?! I thought he was dead!"
With no further explanation, the officer grabbed the letter out of the other officer and rushed away towards the meetingroom. She followed him slowly, so that she would not collapse in exhaustion. The run was intense.
When they both entered the meetingroom, she saw that it was a gigantic hall full of rows and rows of chairs, and at the front of it was a large podium for visiting guests. There was anti-squirrel propaganda plastered everywhere, even on the seats of the chairs.
"Sir! Sir! We have a letter!" the leading officer yelled, holding the letter up for all to see. A man stepped out of seemingly nowhere and bowed, proceeding to snatch the letter out of the officer's hands.
"Greetings. I am the leader of the Resistance. Call me Mr. Infodump."
"That's an unfortunate name," the female officer muttered.
"It's an accurate name," he assured her. "So, let's read this letter." He unfolded the letter and began to read it aloud. At the end, he read Signed, Will Gates and almost fell back in surprise. "Him?!" he shouted.
"What are you talking about?" the two officers asked in unison.
"I'll tell you in a second. Could you follow me to my office?"
"Sure," they replied, and they followed him along through a large hallway, and stepped into an ordinary-looking room. This was his office.
As the two officers walked into Mr. Infodump's office, he beckoned them to sit down. Two more officers rushed out from seemingly nowhere to provide chairs for the two visitors.
"So, what are your names?"
"Lilly," the green-outfitted officer replied.
"Gerald," the purple-outfitted officer responded.
"Great names! I actually hate them, but don't mind me," Mr. Infodump semi-muttered. "Anyways, why are we here? Oh, right! We need to talk. Neither of you know anything about squirrels, do you?"
Lilly tapped the desk repeatedly until she answered with, "no."
"Me neither," said Gerald.
"Great," said Infodump. "Well, I'll tell you. They're murderous little pieces of garbage. That Will Gates you got that letter from was a strong opposer of the squirrels, and they killed him. But he was immortal, so they failed. Instead, they decided to extract his blood and keep him as a prisoner. They injected his blood into themselves to become immortal.
"They still are, and we have no solid solution to defeating them. I hoped you could help."
Gerald pushed back his seat, stood up, and said, "nope. I'm not messing with this crap. Bye." He started towards the open door, but Mr. Infodump pressed a button on some device he pulled out of his pockets, and the door slammed shut.
"Nevermind," said Gerald, walking back towards his chair.
"Do we have a choice in helping you?" Lilly queried.
"Nope."
"Well, I guess we will!"
"I had no part in this," Gerald muttered.
"You don't get to have any!" Mr. Infodump replied. "Now get out and get to work!" He pulled out his device again and pressed a button. The door slid open.
Both officers walked out.
"So what now?" asked Gerald.
"That's a fair question," replied Lilly.
***
Meanwhile, in the Death Squirrel, in the supermassive black hole in the center of the Milky Way...
"WHAT? PEOPLE KNOW OF WILL GATES?"
"Calm down, boss," the Dark Lord's assistant reasoned.
"NO! YOU'RE FIRED!"
"Ugh..." the assistant muttered as he walked away. He then fell into the black hole and died.
"Finally, he's gone... now to discuss my real plans!"
The Dark Lord raised his paws and a huge holographic screen appeared on the wall. Thousands of members of the Dark Army looked onward as the slideshow began.
SQUIRRELS OF SQUIRRELDROMEDA, THIS SLIDESHOW IS FOR YOU.
THE HUMANS HAVE LEARNED OF WILL GATES.
"Who's that?" a young squirrel asked. She got her head chopped off by the Dark Lord.
"NO TALKING."
WE MUST ELIMINATE THEM. THEY MAY LEARN THE SECRET OF IMMORTALITY AND FINALLY TAKE US DOWN. WE CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN.
DARK ARMY! DON'T LET US DOWN. KILL THE HUMANS. THEY ARE OUR ONLY REMAINING THREAT. NOW GET MOVING!
The squirrels marched out of the spaceship and into mini-ships, and flew towards Earth. The Dark Lord laughed and walked to his office.
"Squithers! Get over here!"
A squirrel walked over. "Yes, Mr. Squirns?"
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"
"Yes, Dark Lord. What did you want?"
"I want you to make sure no squirrels find out that I'm not immortal. The last pill disappeared long ago and I never got a chance to take one. Don't let them find out AT ALL COSTS!"
"Yes, Dark Lord," Squithers said as he shuffled out.
"Excellent..." the Dark Lord murmured.
The squirrels flew in their mini-ships for a long period of time before one squirrel used its psychic powers to communicate something to the others.
"Why should we obey that Dark Lord? We should start a revolution!"
"Yeah!" another squirrel yelled.
The rest of them shot them with laser beams until only their skeletons remained.
No traitors allowed.
***
Gerald walked along the dirt road next to Lilly, contemplating what they could do to defeat the squirrels.
"I think we should rescue Will Gates first," Lilly suggested.
"Do I have a choice in this?"
"Nope."
Gerald muttered various curses under his breath.
"Fine. I'll do it."
"Great! Let's find a spaceship!" Lilly energetically exclaimed.
They looked for about two seconds before they saw one right next to them.
"How about that?" Gerald asked.
"Fine. Looks a little plain though."
"Shut up Lilly. I'm not spending two hours painting a spaceship. Let's just go rescue this guy and get out."
"Oh, you're grumpy now, but by the end of this story, you'll be all sweet and optimistic!"
"No."
Lilly didn't bother to respond, and they both climbed into the spaceship. Lilly pulled a lever inside, and the ship blasted off.
***
As the squirrels flew, they saw another ship flying toward them. Piloted by... humans?
"Let's kill them!"
"Yeah!"
The other spaceship suddenly halted.
"Oh no," Gerald stated in pure fear.
"That's a-about right," an absolutely petrified Lilly stuttered.
They battled.
Gerald ran forward to the control and hit the large red button to instigate the ultramegadeathlaser. The UMDL fired a huge laser at the squirrel army, but they survived.
"I shouldn't remembered they're FREAKING invincible," Gerald muttered.
Lilly pulled out a massive machine gun and switched off safety mode.
"GET READY TO DIE, YOU SQUIRRELS OF FEMALE SQUIRRELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lilly screamed as she ran out of the ship, put on her space suit, jumped onto one of the squirrels' mini ship. She broke open the glass and shot at the squirrel for 15 minutes.
"please just let me die," the squirrel pleaded as Lilly put 18 more bullets into him.
"Your bones and your will is broken. I think that's a job well done," Lilly remarked to herself as she left the rotting squirrel to be devoured by space buzzards as she jumped towards another ship.
Gerald pulled out dual katanas and leapt out as well, putting on his space suit. He let out an enormous scream as he sliced squirrels in half left and right. Lilly looked at him.
"You realize they're immortal, right?"
"I don't think they'll be doing much fighting after being chopped in half."
"Good point," Lilly responded as she shot down 18 more squirrels.
***
An hour or two later, they looked back on their work. A hundred or so squirrels, laying bloodied and halved on the floor of their ships. Gerald leapt into one of their mini ships and kicked out the squirrel inside, as Lilly did the same.
"Should we go to their base?" Gerald asked.
"Sure, I guess," Lilly replied.
They both engaged their hyperdrive and flew towards the Death Squirrel as fast as possible.
***
The Dark Lord sat at his chair for a while, looking upon a squirrel being tortured and cackling the entire time.
"Squithers?" he yelled.
"Yes, Dark Lord?" Squithers responded as he rushed back.
"Dispose of this insolent pest," the Dark Lord replied as he waved his paws.
Squithers grabbed the squirrel and decapitated him.
"Better, Dark Lord?"
"Excellent... now begone, Squithers!"
"Yes, Dark Lord..." he muttered as he walked away.
The Dark Lord walked back onto the huge stage beneath his projector.
***
"Members of the Dark Army, WHERE ARE THE SQUIRRELS I SENT OUT?!?!?!"
One squirrel stood up. "Sir, we... we don't know."
"NO!!!!! YOU CAN'T NOT KNOW! YOU'RE FIRED!" the Dark Lord yelled as he kicked the squirrel into the nearby black hole. "Now, I'm going to send out a group of squirrels to go find them. That sound okay?"
Another squirrel stood up. "Uh, No, PlEaSe, MaStEr?"
"SHUT UP! YOU'RE FIRED!" the Dark Lord responded as he kicked the squirrel into the black hole. "NOW GET LOOKING!" he screamed as the squirrels got into their mini ships and headed out.
***
Gerald and Lilly's ship was at the Death Squirrel.
"How do we get in?" Lilly asked.
"Good question," Gerald responded as he clicked the large red button. The massive red laser blew open an entire side of the Death Squirrel as they flew inside.
***
Just as the mini ships lifted off, the wall was torn off.
"Um... maybe we shouldn't have done that..." Gerald said in a petrified manner.
"Squithers! Fire the hyperultramegasuperduperdeathlaser!"
"Yes, sir," Squithers responded as he pulled a large lever.
The mini ships were blown apart as Gerald flew out into the black hole.
"Gerald!" Lilly yelled.
"HHAHAAHAHAHAHAH! YOUR FRIEND CAN'T SAVE YOU NOW!!!!!!!" the Dark Lord mockingly yelled as Lilly pulled out a gigantic assault rifle. "oh no," he stuttered as he saw her weapon of choice. "Squithers! Encase me in metal!"
"I can't, sir."
"FIDDLESTICKS!"
"Woah, sir, watch your language."
Lilly jumped up and shot down at least 12 squirrels as the Dark Lord and Squithers rushed to his office. Lilly ran towards the other squirrels and began firing wildly.
***
"Squithers, I'm afraid that she'll shoot me. I can die, unlike the rest of them. We must kill that girl!"
"But how? She's going on a hyperviolent shooting rampage!"
"I don't care. Just do it!" the Dark Lord yelled.
Suddenly, Lilly burst through the door. "Hello."
"oh dear god."
***
Lilly aimed at the Dark Lord, but Squithers jumped in front of him.
"You can't kill Mr. Squirns!"
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" the Dark Lord yelled as he threw Squithers into the black hole.
Lilly shot at him.
The bullet ripped through his body, leaving a cold, dead corpse.
***
Lilly hopped back into a mini ship and flew out. After a while, she landed back at the Resistance Base.
"Greetings!" Mr. Infodump said as he walked up to her.
"Gerald's dead."
"Oh."
"He got blown apart by the Dark Lord's assistant, Squithers. Luckily, they're both dead now, as is the entire squirrel race. The Death Squirrel is in ruins."
"Oh. Well, that's good, at least!" Infodump said as he walked Lilly back to her old house.
***
10 YEARS LATER
Lilly walked up to Mr. Infodump's office. "Hello, sir. I would like to request a monument."
"Of who?" Mr. Infodump responded.
"Of Gerald. I feel as if he should be rewarded for being such a hero."
"Oh, I certainly agree! I'll get the architects and the construction workers to commence the project immediately!" He said as he walked towards the large architect's office nearby.
***
5 YEARS LATER
A large statue of Gerald stands in the town square, so all can see who helped defeat the evil squirrels. All is right with the world.
THE END