Suddenly, the story began. No one quite knew how, or why, or when, or where, or a multitude of other questions, but it began. Also suddenly, 4 characters popped out of blank space and entered THE REAL WORLD! Cloud Strife stepped up first. He had very messy yellowish hair that billowed out into large spikes, and he also carried an obscenely large sword he labeled the "Buster Sword."
"I love murder!" he yelled, and it was certainly accurate. Cloud had murdered thousands of innocent enemies that were purely acting in self-defense.
Next up stepped The Guy. That was his name, or at least that's what everyone called him. He always carried a suitcase and had very few other defining features.
"Just trust me, this is a suitcase," he said, discussing what appeared to be a briefcase, but was so crudely made it was indistinguishable from an NES controller.
The Batter stepped up next. He had no eyes and a baseball cap, as well as a crude bat.
"I'm gonna getcha..." he muttered. He was a very disturbed man.
Finally, Ness walked to the stage(?). He had a baseball bat, a cap, eyes, and he could shoot lasers. Overall, a pretty cool dude.
And that's it! All the characters are covered! Suddenly, The Guy walked up.
"Are you kidding me?" he said in plain disbelief that there were that few characters.
Sadly, no, we were not kidding him. Immediately after, however, The Batter murdered us, the narrator. How he did so was just plain gruesome with a lot of blood, but we survived. After all, death is only minor if you're all-powerful.
Suddenly, once again, the title card for the second strip appeared. Oddly enough, however, it was drawn not from text, but a poorly made marker. Thus, the title card was very cramped. Taking note of this, The Guy commented "That title card's a little cramped, don't you think?" Sadly, the title card was not phased, as it only told him to shut up. It also signified that the actual plot was about to begin, which is confusing, because why is this entire paragraph here? No one knows, so just ignore it.
One day, The Guy was sitting down (whilst still holding his signature briefcase) to do some work, when Cloud interrupted him. "Hey, wanna go commit some war crimes?" Cloud asked. "Sorry, I've got work," replied The Guy. Sadly, Cloud doesn't take no for an answer.
He pulled out a massive sword. "NOT A VALID REASON," he declared.
Suddenly, The Batter popped in. "Hey, you guys get that thing I sent ya?" he asked, not knowing what was going on. After using his eyes, which he doesn't have, he observed what was happening, and decided to walk away. "I'll come back later," he decided aloud, as he strolled as quickly as possible away from the crime scene.
Suddenly, "Fighting" from Final Fantasy 7 began to play as The Guy and Cloud began an intense battle. It was Cloud's turn first, and he tossed his gigantic sword at The Guy. Thankfully, the suitcase-wielding man screamed "Ah! Guard, guard!" at the last second, causing his command to be actualized. The sword suddenly flipped directions and flew in the general direction of The Batter. "What the-" was The Batter's last words before being brutally killed.
"That went well," The Guy remarked, as Cloud no longer had a weapon. "Frick," was all Cloud had to say on the matter. After that whole affair, The Guy strolled back to his computer. "Finally, I can do some work." Sadly, it was at this moment that Ness popped out and screamed "PK Fire!"
"Dear God!" yelled The Guy in pure terror as the landscape around him lit up in flames. "Welp, I'm dead," were his last words before death. "Hey, didna get that thing I- I'll come back later," was what The Batter said as he looked upon the whole affair.
You may ask, how will they come back? They just will. Just remember the Mystery Science Theater 3000 mantra: "Just remember it's just a show (or in this case a novel), you should really just relax."
"Man, I like murder," The Batter muttered to himself as he strolled along the white purgatory he and his "friends" called home. Suddenly however, he noticed another face. It was an Elsen, the hypertimid species of human-like beings. This one wore a black mining helmet with a yellowish light. "Uh... uh... can I use your p-phone?" the Elsen asked in pure fear of what could happen.
"Sure, I guess," The Batter replied. Sadly, this was too much for the Elsen. "TOO MUCH STRESS!!!" the Elsen screamed as a large amount of vertical black void energy spewed from his face. He had become burnt. Thankfully, The Batter had his signature bat on hand, so he began beating him over the head with it. Ness walked into the room. "Hey can you- DEAR GOD YOU KILLED SOMEONE!"
"It was in self-defense," The Batter defended.
"HE WAS JUST ASKING TO USE THE PHONE AND GOT OVERSTRESSED! HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE!"
Ness grabbed a phone and began urgently dialing 911. "911, please answer... please, God..."
Suddenly, knocking filled the white space. From where? Who knows.
"FBI OPEN UP!" yelled an officer. "Crap," said The Batter. After that, The Batter went to jail for many years. However, he broke out day 1. The FBI are not hunting for him. And now for something completely different: The Adventures of Peter Potamus! "That's me!" announced the titular purple hippopotamus.
"Hey, you get that thing I sent ya?" he asked to absolutely nobody.
And thus concludes: The Adventures of Peter Potamus!
It's time for: The Adventures of Peter Potamus! "That's me!" announced the titular purple hippopotamus.
"Hey, you get that thing I sent ya?" Peter asked an unsuspecting lawyer. "No, why?" the lawyer replied. Suddenly, Peter Potamus became an all-powerful demon with about 800 differents tentacles made of pure abyss energy. "LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE FRICK... YOU DON'T JUST DENY GETTING THAT THING I SENT YA." Peter Potamus sliced the lawyer's head off.
"All in all, a good day's work," remarked Peter as he stood over the bloodied and decapitated corpse of the lawyer.
That was: The Adventures of Peter Potamus! Meanwhile...
"What just happened?" questioned The Guy. "Seriously. Answer my question." Unfortunately, the plot didn't answer his question.
***
One day, Ash was just sitting, as he always did. You see, Ash was a blob man who really liked both video game cartridges and really hated getting impaled by spikes. Sadly, he experienced both quite often. He had recently picked up a new cartridge entitled "Denial" from his local store. "This sounds like a good idea," he thought as he popped it into his system.
After it finished loading, the low-budget title screen appeared. "Hmm, looks a bit more low-budget than I remembered," commented Ash, but he didn't care. He grabbed the controller with his newly-formed blob hands and prepared to play. The very first room was pain incarnate. It featured a bunch of extremely hard-to-dodge spike traps. Ash slowly realized what he was getting himself into, but he pushed onwards.
Later, Ash died in the game and revived at the start of the cartridge. Not the level, the entire cartridge. Needless to say, Ash dumped the cartridge in the trash and never touched it again.
That was my worst chapter yet.
Back in the white space where everyone lived, there was a disturbance. That disturbance? A knock. To be more clear, three knocks. "Man, I'm bored. Something better happen," muttered The Batter as he walked over to open the door. Suddenly, a shout filled the area. "FBI OPEN UP!!!!"
"What is it?" The Batter asked innocently. An officer busted down the door with a gun. "It's time to pay for your crimes," the officer declared. "What did I do?" asked The Batter.
"YOU KILLED SOMEONE!!"
"Yeah."
The Guy walked in on the heated discussion. "Hey how's it going- nope, I'm done," he said as he walked away as fast as possible.
"Now cooperate and no one gets hurt," reasoned the officer. "I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO DO THAT," replied The Batter, suddenly turning into a nightmarish demon. "OKAY, OKAY! YOU'RE FREE TO GO!" yelled the officer in pure terror. "Thanks," replied The Batter. "What just happened?" asked The Guy, who had no idea why the FBI were in his house.
"I was convincing," answered The Batter.
***
"Sir, sir! The murderer threatened me!" yelled the officer as he ran into the police station. "I know, Jerry. Everyone's ALWAYS threatening you," sarcastically replied the chief of police.
"But, but- he did!"
The chief sighed. "Fine. We'll send more agents."
Suddenly, a loud crash were heard, and The Batter popped out of a now broken wall. "After me are ya?" he asked.
"Oh s-" were the last words heard from the officer before 3 FBI agents with guns burst into the room. "Sir, you're under arrest again."
"God frick," complained The Batter.
The plot continues...
"Man, jail sucks," muttered The Batter, in his jail cell he was locked in by the FBI.
And now for something else...
"Hey Ness, you seen The Batter?" asked The Guy. Unfortunately, he was asking it to Ness, who was currently committing arson whilst screaming "PK FIRE!!"
"I'll come back later," decided The Guy. He chose to ask Cloud next.
"Hey Cloud, you-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" screamed Cloud.
"What the frick happened to you?"
"AAAAAAAAAA"
"Just calm down."
"I CUT MYSELF!"
Cloud suddenly began rolling on the floor in pure agony. "THE PAIN!!!!!!!" he screamed. The Guy facepalmed in pure embarrassment.
***
"Man, I should really escape," thought The Batter whilst stewing in his jail cell. "Sir, there's a package for you," his guard notified him. The guard tossed him a box. "What's in here?" wondered The Batter as he opened it up. It was a letter!
Dear Batter,
Jump out the window. We have an epic soft landing spot down there.
Signed, Peter Potamus and Ash
The bottom half of the letter was a drawing of Peter and Ash. "Why is most of this a drawing?" wondered The Batter. "Just jump out the window!" Peter and Ash yelled simultaneously from outside. "Ech, fine," said The Batter. He then proceeded to do an epic backflip out the window.
He fell for 10 straight hours. It was a very tall building. When he reached the floor, his body exploded into a bloody mass of organs and, well, blood. "Where is the landing pad?" he asked. "Sorry, we forgot," replied Peter. "Yeah," continued Ash.
"Man, I didn't know blood bled that much," choked out The Batter. Suddenly, he plopped down, dead. "Oops," Ash worriedly murmured. "Hey, you get that thing I sent ya- nope," Peter interjected.
They then left. Later...
"Hey, you guys seen The Batter?" The Guy asked to Ness and Cloud. "Nope," they both replied. "Eh, I don't mind," was The Guy's final words before this tale concluded.